( May. 27th, 2001 09:55 pm)
Well its finally over. Or it is just beginning depending on how you look at it. I am officially I college graduate. And did I earn it this weekend.

Friday was the Commencement Ball. It was a lot of fun. They did a really good job dressing up the Student Union. I had a really good time.

Saturday was Melissa and I's graduation party. Of course, this being the worst weekend for me to have a party, only two people showed up and one of them was already here. But it was a friend from home and we had a good time and got to catch up. Unfortunately, later that night WWIII broke out with my roommate's family. I won't give the details but I was glad that I was in my room napping when it happened.

Today was graduation. More fighting from my roommate's family but otherwise the morning graduation went smoothly. Kelsey Grammar's speech was short but sweet. The guy from Monster.com (Jeff Taylor) kicked ass. His speech was very interactive. He had us shouting we rock and halleluja. The Education Graduation Ceremony was my time to have a family crisis. When it started my mother hadn't show up yet. So I was very worried, because my mother is never late. I was praying that nothing had happened. Finally my mothe and my sister walked in about 10 minutes into the ceremony. But they were missing my grandmother and my mom's boyfriend. The ceremony was nice. I found out afterwards that my grandmother and my mom's boyfriend were stuck in the car because they had blocked off most of the roads into campus and my mom couldn't find anywhere to park that was close enough for my grandmother to walk. As it was my mother and my sister walked to the STudent Union from Rafters. So my mom starts balling on the walk to my car and freaking out. I didn't know what to do. I just tried to make her feel better and tried not to let it effect me. I mean it wasn' t my fault and we couldn't do anything about it now. My grandmother didnt' seem upset. At least my parents and my sister made it. And everyone was okay.

So now its all over and I am exhausted. But after all the excitement it seems like no fun to stay home all night. But so far no one is really around. This next week is going to be me filling out all the applications I already wanted to have done a long time ago. So I can stop worrying about them. Then I'm on vacation for the next two weeks and I plan on getting in lots of trouble. Any takers for partners in crime?
( May. 20th, 2001 07:59 pm)
Okay lets see what's happened since Tuesday... Wednesday I went to the Queer Graduation and I didn't know anyone there but the speaker was good and I got a rainbow tassle. Thursday I made cupcakes for my kiddies and I had dinner and coffee with Larry. It was a very good time. Friday was my last day of school!!! So I am done, finally. All I have left to do for school is turn in a paper (a big one, but just one). In one week I will officially be a college graduate. Still not quite registering in my mind.

Friday night my friend Jarrod came up and we had a very, very, lovely time. Saturday morning we went shopping for bathing suits for our vacation this summer. I discovered that I look very good in a bathing suit. Even some random lady in the dressing room agreed. It was nice to look in the mirror and like what I see.

Saturday night was the SPIRALS party at my apt. Not a huge turn out it was me, Dovid, Louise, Alan and Janra. We watched Mulan and ate junk food. It was fun but I kinda wished more people had shown up. Oh well.

Today I have done absolutely nothing. I was gonna work on my paper but I've just been so tired all day and I felt really nauseous too. I guess I just really needed to catch up on sleep. But all and all it has been the best run of days I've had in a really long time. Mentally, I think I'm working on a much better attitude about things. Less worry, more fun. Less analyzing, more fun. Thanks to those who listened this weekend.

I think my girl is going to break up with me. Something just doesn't feel right. I think what I want and what she wants right now are very different. I just hope she doesn't resent me or hate me or anything because I would still really like to spend time with her and talk with her and to be cliched ... I 'd still really like to be friends. We'll see. I have a good track record for at least keeping on civil terms with my exes if not more. Anyway I'm gonna go eat something now. Hope everyone else had a good weekend as well.
( May. 13th, 2001 10:52 pm)
So my roommate got this kick ass new computer that we spent all day playing with. There went another day when I could have been filling out applications or cleaning my room or writing up my master teaching. I'm really good at this procrastination stuff.

I still can't believe I'm graduating college in two weeks. Goddess the years went by way too fast.

Feeling so strangly today, mixed up and depressed and like crying but not quite, majorly jumbled would be the best way to put it. Too much going on and not enough all at the same time.

Well I really should get to bed. Time to teach again tomorrow.
( May. 13th, 2001 04:35 pm)
So tell me the, how do you tell? I try not to jump to conclusions, never did me any good. Just enjoy the moments but I don't like to miss opportuniities either. But I may be neither here nor there. Hard to tell when you have very liffle self esteem.

I just want this week to be over. For school to be done, As much as I'm scared, sad, about graduating, I'm looking forward to having time to deal with these sorts of things. To spend time with people. To feel like I exist somewhere in the world again instead of feeling like I've involuntarily been hiding in a socially isolated closet. I just want to go out and do all sorts of crazy things. Have no obligations to plan lessons and think about behavior strategies and emotional issues. I want to figure out my own emotional issues. I wonder if I really should be a teacher. If I really belong there, if I can really be happy there. But where else would I go? I've been working to do this for so long, I'm not quite sure what else I would like to do. I feel like I need another four years of college to get my life together, to be sure enough of myself to go out into the world confidently. Knowing I did the right thing. Not regreting. But oh well. So it goes.

Anyway, I think I"m going to try to find someone to get into trouble with.
Well I'm suffering the consequences of being in the pits of despair for a couple weeks. Yup, I have I have a ton of work that needs to be finished before the last day of classes which is only a week and two days away. And the best part is I still don't seem to have a ton of motivation to do it. Probably because I told myself that it is okay to get an incomplete. But truthfully I'd rather have it all done with so I can enjoy the fact that all I have during finals week is one exam.

I've also been ruminating on my exceptionally bad timing in life. Among many other things in the recent and distant past, the present badly timed situation involves starting a new relationship only weeks before break when we will be separated for long amounts of time and not a whole lot of options for modes of transportation. And the past three winter breaks have proven to be the breaking point for my relationships. Spring semester involves them tumbling rapidly downhill. And with me student teaching next semester time isn't going to be something a have a lot of. So yeah I'm pesimistic and predicting doom and all that stuff about self-fufilling prophecies. But when things happen the exact same way for three years in a row you tend to wonder if you have any control over it. Maybe I should share this little piece of information with my partner. Cause I'd really like this year to be different. Fall was hell so maybe Spring will be good instead.

I think too much.
( Nov. 20th, 2000 06:46 pm)
I need sleep. There is only one person in the lab tonight. Usually this lab is mobbed when I work and it keeps me awake but tonight it is very very quite. So tempted to just put my head on my desk and take a little nap.

I was not me yesterday. I was this strange girl who wanted to hide under the table and avoid the human race. Gotta love mood swings. I think I should come with a warning label. Actually, I think a lot of people should come with a warning label.

Saturday was just too long. It was a good day. But it involved me getting up at 7 (which meant I was late getting up) running like crazy around the apt. trying to get ready so I didn't miss the bus. Going on a field trip that was cool but essentially a waste of my morning. Except for feeling like I had just woken up all day the rest of the day was cool. I got to hang out with a very cool girl. I got to go to Northampton and have a yummy dinner and see Catie Curtis (who rocks by the way and I must find her cd's) and Dar Williams. And then there was the bus home. Being the wuss I am I decided to wait in town and take the North Amherst bus all the way around (it was late and cold). While waiting I saw Kat and her boy and some guy I didn't know walking on the other side of the street. And when the bus went by frat row there were 6 police cars, an ambulance, and a crowd (another reason I never ever went to a frat party among many others). Then there was the drunk people on the bus, who I really just tried to zone out. Then I locked my roommate out cause I thought she was home but she wasn't.

Only one more day of classes and I'm outta here. I can't wait. I need a break from here (as much as I love it). And I get to see my best friend and his family. I don't think I have been this happy to go home since freshman year. I don't know if that is good or bad.
( Nov. 16th, 2000 05:20 pm)
So many things to think about. Thanksgiving and going home, master teaching, what to do with winter break, and next semester, and the many assignments I seem to be behind on. Then there all that social stuff.

I think I will survive T-day at home. I think it might even be good for me. It all else fails at least I get to go shopping :)

Next semester looks like it just might fall in place. Though I'm still afraid that I'm not up to the challenge, that I will never have enough energy to do things the way I want to. Must have faith that it will get better or that I will at least survive.

Also have to start thinking about getting that teacher job. Where and how and who and many unanswered questions.

The assignments will get done and if they don't, well its senior year I can take an incomplete.

So many possibilties for fun tonight, the poly meeting, bowling with Pride Alliance, or going to the pub w/my collegues. But I think I might just go home and go to sleep. Two nights with out it are taking their toll.

Going to see how much I can accomplish between now and then.
( Nov. 13th, 2000 10:12 pm)
I've done homework two nights in a row!! Guess I am beginning to get back on track. Feels kinda good actually getting things accomplished. Now...if I could get my social life in order. What a tangle (though I'm probably exagerating it in my head cause I do things like that). but I'm too tired to get in to details. Though I probably won't get to fall asleep. Where is that damn off button on my brain?
( Nov. 12th, 2000 01:08 pm)
I'm really gonna do some homework today. No really I mean it. No I'm serious, something productive is going to be accomplished today.

My apartment is finally clean, though I'm afraid my roommate is going to bring her mess back out to the living room again. What to say about Saturday? It was interesting and highly amusing at moments. Though I think I may have been too mean to somebody and must apologize for my thoughtlessness.

I think I'm going to have a birthday party. Okay so my birthday was almost three months ago, but I never got to have a party and now I know more cool people to invite. So if any of you know of any other parties going on let me know cause I don't want to schedule my party at the same time and then wonder why no one showed up.

Well I'm going to be studious now.




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