( Jun. 21st, 2001 12:18 pm)
Now before anyone tries to call me tonight, I am not going anywhere. Noone is coming to visit. I am spending the night with myself enjoying the solstice. No I mean it. I need to get some things done and I need to sleep. No, really I will not find some reason to stay up late. Must avoid taking a nap today.
( Nov. 5th, 2000 01:29 pm)
Been a few days since I've posted. Haven't felt much like writing lately. Friday was good, had pizza and conversation. Saturday was laundry day and Greenfield ritual. Ritual was good. The ball was way more low key than last year. JF showed up which sort of weirded me out. I actually hadn't really seen a lot of him since last year's ball and he kissed me and it was very bad. But he was good this year. He's getting married.

Today is work and a meeting. Getting my picture taken for the paper. Talked about Paganism with a reporter guy. I wonder if the parents of my students will see it and see me. I'm not really worried. It's better I do something like this now while I'm still a student than when I'm out in the real world next year.

And when it rains it pours and always at the wrong time. I've noticed some patterns in my romantic life over the past couple of year. I either start a relationship or have a number of people interested in me around Samhain. Then by Beltaine whatever relationship happened has desolved and there are more people around. Except when these people come around I'm never really ready. Maybe I'm just never ready at all. In any case, there are these two guys who are interested in me and they are both nice enough but I don't really feel like I can deal with the idea of a relationship with someone new right now or anytime soon. But I'd love to keep them around as friends but that always seems to get me in trouble.

There is someone I really do want to be with, but goddess only knows what is going on in that area of the world. I never get told anything. Just left in the dark to sit and wait and have my mind play all kinds of mean tricks on me.

I haven't been as depressed lately. But it doesn't feel like a solid thing. And life just doesn't feel real.
I got my Rhea's Obsession Cd. I thought that I'd have to bat my eyelashes at someone (does that really ever work) to get a ride to the UPS place in West Springfield but my neighbors picked it up for me. Yay!

Wondering about swedish fish and the fact that I have to same bag of swedish fish that my mom gave me when I moved in here two months ago and wondering if I should actually eat them. Not because they're bad because they don't go bad....

The day after halloween. Many interesting journal entries. Sounds like an interesting night was had by many. I had a good start to my new year. Got to know some people a little better although some maybe too much. Won prizes for knowing who starred in the Labrinyth. And left before the overwhelming number of people got to me.

And today was good too. Lots of yummy food at the preschool potluck. Early out of science methods and lots of interesting conversation and more getting to know people. Though I felt bad for the poor guy who got left out most of the night. Its hard to be part of just one alternative way of living in the valley but he just had no idea about most of what we were discussing even before it devolved into vague, public personal conversations. But I remember what it was like to be him. Not knowing what people were talking about more than half the time. Maybe we'll actually discuss poly issues at a meeting :)

But I'm on a role, two social nights in a row and I have plans for Fri and Sat. To a new year.
( Oct. 30th, 2000 06:29 pm)
my weekend...mostly me coming in and out of conciousness. I think I am finally better. I hope at least. Saturday I saw Ani, it would have been better had I not wanted to sleep the whole time. But now I finally feel awake. Yay! And I don't have to work tonight.

Samhain/Halloween tomorrow. Going to Haven. Should be fun. If nothing else I get to dance and that always makes me feel good.

Avoiding delving deeply into my thoughts right now. Keeping on the surface to keep me sane.
( Oct. 26th, 2000 11:36 pm)
So yesterday I could have slept all day and today I almost did. Went to class and decided that after that I had to go home. So I went home and slept for a good portion of the afternoon. And I am still tired enough to go to sleep soon. Makes me wonder.

Went to ritual tonight..and the fire alarm went off three times. But it didn't bother me. The ritual was great. Something had to be said for doing it big. Especially for someone like myself who really needs to endulge their younger self more often then not to get the wheels going.

I'm setting up my altar this weekend. I promised my self that I would get it done before Samhain and I think I'm ready and I think my room is ready and i can't wait. (Once again thoroughly endulging my younger self)

Still balancing. Still precariously. It's the knowing and the waiting and the unsureness. The loneliness. I wish I wasn't in this by myself, I really want someone to hold my hand right now. But that's a big job and I wouldn't want to give that burden to anyone. So for now I try to do it by myself relying on "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" and hoping a am very strong at the other end (if there is and end, is there every really and end or just a decrease?) Right now it just feels like its making me weaker, taking away what I thought I had gained over these years.

But my life really isn't that bad. I could have it so much worse and sometimes I chide myself for complaining about so many things when there are those who are bravely facing adversity. And I know that once I get my shit together, I want to help those others.

And now sleep.




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