( May. 20th, 2001 07:59 pm)
Okay lets see what's happened since Tuesday... Wednesday I went to the Queer Graduation and I didn't know anyone there but the speaker was good and I got a rainbow tassle. Thursday I made cupcakes for my kiddies and I had dinner and coffee with Larry. It was a very good time. Friday was my last day of school!!! So I am done, finally. All I have left to do for school is turn in a paper (a big one, but just one). In one week I will officially be a college graduate. Still not quite registering in my mind.

Friday night my friend Jarrod came up and we had a very, very, lovely time. Saturday morning we went shopping for bathing suits for our vacation this summer. I discovered that I look very good in a bathing suit. Even some random lady in the dressing room agreed. It was nice to look in the mirror and like what I see.

Saturday night was the SPIRALS party at my apt. Not a huge turn out it was me, Dovid, Louise, Alan and Janra. We watched Mulan and ate junk food. It was fun but I kinda wished more people had shown up. Oh well.

Today I have done absolutely nothing. I was gonna work on my paper but I've just been so tired all day and I felt really nauseous too. I guess I just really needed to catch up on sleep. But all and all it has been the best run of days I've had in a really long time. Mentally, I think I'm working on a much better attitude about things. Less worry, more fun. Less analyzing, more fun. Thanks to those who listened this weekend.

I think my girl is going to break up with me. Something just doesn't feel right. I think what I want and what she wants right now are very different. I just hope she doesn't resent me or hate me or anything because I would still really like to spend time with her and talk with her and to be cliched ... I 'd still really like to be friends. We'll see. I have a good track record for at least keeping on civil terms with my exes if not more. Anyway I'm gonna go eat something now. Hope everyone else had a good weekend as well.
( May. 15th, 2001 07:22 pm)
not much better than before just later in the day. Have something to take care off tonight but I'd like to go out to Haven, but probably mostly cause I want to avoid doing what I have to do. And why is this time in the semester always insane. Especially when it comes to my love life - CURSE of THE SPRING SEMESTER. That's what. What is that? Ever since freshman year, I've always had a relationship end during spring semester. Don't quite know why. Thought I might escape it this year, but now its looking like it is not going to happen that way.

But I got my summer job. And I got the CD to burn. Guess I'll try the phone again, wish me luck.
( May. 15th, 2001 11:04 am)
Okay so I'm supposed to be at school today but I decided that if I wanted to have a good last week I needed to get some sleep. Now I'm on my roomates kick ass new computer playing with napster and reading livejouranl and suddenly wondering if the world is ending. (slight sarcasm)

I apparently must act fast in a couple different directions. One mainly before she falls off the edge. Why does finals week drive everyone crazy. I mean I have no finals and I'm going nuts. Its contagious.
( Apr. 20th, 2001 01:23 pm)
It's so nice outside and I have massive amounts of work to do. Vacations are never long enough. Spent all day yesterday in Noho applying to employment agencies in hopes of a summer job. It was rather exhausting. I also didn't have time to drink, eat,or pee until 5:30. But anyway.

My dreams weren't helpful. In fact, I can't even remember what they were. I'm still confused. My friend says I should talk to my gf and he is probably right. But its such a touchy issue and she's in a rough place right now and I feel like I'm being selfish. But something isn't right. And there are things I miss. Actually, I kind of miss boys. And I think I want to give the whole poly thing another go, but I don't think she's going to go for it, not now. We've put it on the back burner for so long that I think she thinks that I don't feel that way anymore. I hate having difficult serious conversations. Still very confused.
( Apr. 18th, 2001 10:42 pm)
So I'm writing and this is worrying me. When I am happy I don't need to writie. And I'm writing. And maybe it is just being on vacation that makes me think or gives me time to think I really miss having a social life. I went to Haven last night and it was just so strange because there were so many people that I hadn't seen in a really long time. ANd I've been thinking a lot about my relationship and where I want it to go. I just feel rather confused right now. I just don't know what I want. Things from my past are coming back to me and making me think. I've had so many relationships and I still don't know how to make them work or what I really want.

What happens when you have two needy people in a relationship...someone doesn't get their needs met. And I'm being selfish. Partly out of force of habit. It's been so long since someone has needed me. I don't know how to deal with that, I don't know what to do. I know it sounds strange. I don't know what she needs. She won't let me in. And my life has been so hectic with graduating and student teaching that I haven't had a lot of time to just sit and figure it out.

aaaaaargh!!!!! I just like to make everything so god damn complicated and dramatic. I'm so masochistic. GRRRRRRR!!!! I just want a social life with friends and people to hang out with and have fun and relationships that I don't make complicated.

Maybe its just that I've been cooped up to long and life has been so socially boring that I am creating some drama to stop the boredom. I think I'm just going to go to bed, maybe I'll dream about it and figure it out.
Well I'm suffering the consequences of being in the pits of despair for a couple weeks. Yup, I have I have a ton of work that needs to be finished before the last day of classes which is only a week and two days away. And the best part is I still don't seem to have a ton of motivation to do it. Probably because I told myself that it is okay to get an incomplete. But truthfully I'd rather have it all done with so I can enjoy the fact that all I have during finals week is one exam.

I've also been ruminating on my exceptionally bad timing in life. Among many other things in the recent and distant past, the present badly timed situation involves starting a new relationship only weeks before break when we will be separated for long amounts of time and not a whole lot of options for modes of transportation. And the past three winter breaks have proven to be the breaking point for my relationships. Spring semester involves them tumbling rapidly downhill. And with me student teaching next semester time isn't going to be something a have a lot of. So yeah I'm pesimistic and predicting doom and all that stuff about self-fufilling prophecies. But when things happen the exact same way for three years in a row you tend to wonder if you have any control over it. Maybe I should share this little piece of information with my partner. Cause I'd really like this year to be different. Fall was hell so maybe Spring will be good instead.

I think too much.
So my ex-boyfriend walks into the lab today. The scary one who wouldn't leave me alone for the longest time. He was here with some other people to work on a project. And then I was thinking and I realized how much he has changed since I have known him. Physically he is so much thinner but healthy looking. But when I knew him he couldn't understand how anyone couldn't work with in the system and be happy. We used to have discussion about opression and he'd always just tell me that if you hollow out your little corner of the world that everything could be just fine. (I don't know if any of this is making sense) I tried to explain to him that the system worked for him whether he knew it or not because he was a white male. Basically he didn't have a whole lot of concern for anyone but himself and his schoolwork (chemical engineering major).

Well, he has dropped out of school to figure out what he wants to do. He helped out with the Nader campaign and is apparently still doing activist type work. He is also tutoring kids in math and science. He also joined a support group to help him with some of his family issues. Oh, and he finally stopped bothering me. From my point of view it seems as if he has done a 180. And I think that is a rare thing. I have never seen anyone change that much. And I really have to give him credit and I think he needs to know that too.
( Nov. 16th, 2000 01:41 am)
The pessimist in me says that I am walking a fine line and on shaky ground

The optimist says, hey this could be something really amazing

The pessimist says that I will fuck it all up and probably end up in the pit I was in not so long ago

The optimist thinks that maybe I have finally learned how to make it work

Wavering back and forth, hopeful and scared and doubtful and questioning. And I kind of wish there was someone I could ask for advice on this, but a voice says that they will tell me I'm nuts.

But for now I am happy and all is good. Though I wonder where he will fit in, though that's probably a long way down the road.

Looking forward to cookies and conversation and the many possiblities that lie ahead.
( Nov. 13th, 2000 10:12 pm)
I've done homework two nights in a row!! Guess I am beginning to get back on track. Feels kinda good actually getting things accomplished. Now...if I could get my social life in order. What a tangle (though I'm probably exagerating it in my head cause I do things like that). but I'm too tired to get in to details. Though I probably won't get to fall asleep. Where is that damn off button on my brain?
( Nov. 5th, 2000 01:29 pm)
Been a few days since I've posted. Haven't felt much like writing lately. Friday was good, had pizza and conversation. Saturday was laundry day and Greenfield ritual. Ritual was good. The ball was way more low key than last year. JF showed up which sort of weirded me out. I actually hadn't really seen a lot of him since last year's ball and he kissed me and it was very bad. But he was good this year. He's getting married.

Today is work and a meeting. Getting my picture taken for the paper. Talked about Paganism with a reporter guy. I wonder if the parents of my students will see it and see me. I'm not really worried. It's better I do something like this now while I'm still a student than when I'm out in the real world next year.

And when it rains it pours and always at the wrong time. I've noticed some patterns in my romantic life over the past couple of year. I either start a relationship or have a number of people interested in me around Samhain. Then by Beltaine whatever relationship happened has desolved and there are more people around. Except when these people come around I'm never really ready. Maybe I'm just never ready at all. In any case, there are these two guys who are interested in me and they are both nice enough but I don't really feel like I can deal with the idea of a relationship with someone new right now or anytime soon. But I'd love to keep them around as friends but that always seems to get me in trouble.

There is someone I really do want to be with, but goddess only knows what is going on in that area of the world. I never get told anything. Just left in the dark to sit and wait and have my mind play all kinds of mean tricks on me.

I haven't been as depressed lately. But it doesn't feel like a solid thing. And life just doesn't feel real.
( Oct. 30th, 2000 08:59 pm)
I let the water run so hot that it leaves little red marks all over my body. And I know that's not a good thing, but its so warm in there and it so cold outside because we still haven't turned on the heat. And I get lost in my thoughts as a have conversations with the people in my head. Defending my self to the people in my life. The conversations went away for awhile but now they're back and some days with a vengence. And my imagination comes up with the craziest situations for me to defend.

And earlier, this weekend, I was thinking about cuddling. People need to do more of it. I realized I'm in terrible need of cuddling. Of human contact really. Do you know that if you don't give a baby physical affection it will die. It will refuse to eat. I'm not that picky really, a good friend would do (not that I seem to have many of those around these days). If I had to pick there are two particular people that I would chose. But one seems so busy that I'll never see him again, and the other one, I'm not sure how she feels. And its weird not knowing where you are with people, in their lives, but its not something you can ask either. "excuse me, I think you are wonderful and I would like to spend more time with you, how do you feel about me?" I mean yeah, I've had that approach tried on me but somehow I just don't think the direct approach works for me. I like being subtle, sometimes too subtle. I just don't want to send anyone running away.

and so I write down my stream of conciousness, finally being concious for the first time in days. Always wondering, thinking, looking, searching, trying. I always wished there was and off switch or at least a dimmer.
( Oct. 27th, 2000 10:51 pm)
So I still feel like sleeping all day. So I went to health services and spent 3 hours there. 2 in the waiting room and about 1 in the exam room waiting some more. Didn't really bother me though. Had nothing better to do with my afternoon. Mused about the first initials of the people I've dated and wished to date. For the longest time it was people with j names or boys named matt. Then I laughed because it seems like I'm subconsciously trying to fill in the letters between j and m. (I'll let you ponder on that one).

Thought a lot about escapism. How there are many ways to escape/avoid reality. TV, movies, books, music, art, the internet, sleeping ... although sometimes they remind you of reality. In anycase these have been the occupiers of my time as of late. Unfortunately, I know this only works for so long. Eventually the shows over, the book ends, the cd ends, the paintings done, your connection becomes dumb, and you have to wake up. I wonder if I am sick and really need all this sleep or if its my subconcious.

On a happier note, I am going the Ani concert. My friend had and extra ticket and called me up tonight to see if I wanted to go. Pretty cool.

Off to find some entertaining method of avoiding reality until I get to sleep.
( Oct. 22nd, 2000 01:11 pm)
So I was going to write about my frustration with a certain someone over the fact that I had not heard from him in way too long. But I talked to him today and of course my wild imagination had told me that he didn't care anymore, but the truth of course was far from that. So he still cares and I knew that. If I wasn't so lonely to begin with this whole separation bit would be a little easier to handle, but with a lack of social interaction in my life, my mind just keeps coming back to him. I really miss him and I really hope that we do get a second chance.

But I had a good weekend. I got to go grocery shopping and I now have food!!! Plus my dad gave me some money. He called it a Halloween present. Not too bad.

I'm really looking forward to this week. I have a lot of fun stuff going on. And a little bit of new found energy towards preschool and teaching. I may have hit bottom again on Friday, but I'm kicking really hard to find the top again. I've just got to face the fact that it is going to take some time to get my life in order. What I really need to do is do my best to enjoy the process as well. Maybe now that I have this online journal I will write more. I almost never write in my paper one, but I like writing here. Maybe because I know someone might actually read it whereas, my other journal is just for me.

So that's that.




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