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My journal says I'm 55% feminine.
What does your LJ writing style say about your gender?
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LJ Gender Tool by [ profile] hutta

It's funny cause I've been discussing with my mom how hanging out wiht mainly guys for the past 10 years has had an effect on me. Therefore giving me some masculine traits. Interesting.
( Apr. 18th, 2001 10:42 pm)
So I'm writing and this is worrying me. When I am happy I don't need to writie. And I'm writing. And maybe it is just being on vacation that makes me think or gives me time to think I really miss having a social life. I went to Haven last night and it was just so strange because there were so many people that I hadn't seen in a really long time. ANd I've been thinking a lot about my relationship and where I want it to go. I just feel rather confused right now. I just don't know what I want. Things from my past are coming back to me and making me think. I've had so many relationships and I still don't know how to make them work or what I really want.

What happens when you have two needy people in a relationship...someone doesn't get their needs met. And I'm being selfish. Partly out of force of habit. It's been so long since someone has needed me. I don't know how to deal with that, I don't know what to do. I know it sounds strange. I don't know what she needs. She won't let me in. And my life has been so hectic with graduating and student teaching that I haven't had a lot of time to just sit and figure it out.

aaaaaargh!!!!! I just like to make everything so god damn complicated and dramatic. I'm so masochistic. GRRRRRRR!!!! I just want a social life with friends and people to hang out with and have fun and relationships that I don't make complicated.

Maybe its just that I've been cooped up to long and life has been so socially boring that I am creating some drama to stop the boredom. I think I'm just going to go to bed, maybe I'll dream about it and figure it out.
( Nov. 16th, 2000 01:41 am)
The pessimist in me says that I am walking a fine line and on shaky ground

The optimist says, hey this could be something really amazing

The pessimist says that I will fuck it all up and probably end up in the pit I was in not so long ago

The optimist thinks that maybe I have finally learned how to make it work

Wavering back and forth, hopeful and scared and doubtful and questioning. And I kind of wish there was someone I could ask for advice on this, but a voice says that they will tell me I'm nuts.

But for now I am happy and all is good. Though I wonder where he will fit in, though that's probably a long way down the road.

Looking forward to cookies and conversation and the many possiblities that lie ahead.
( Nov. 11th, 2000 02:12 am)
I can't believe it actually happened. I had given up on the moment ever occuring. (course that's when things tend to occur to me, when I let go of them happening) I havent' felt anything for weeks and now my body won't stop tingling. Sensory overload. I'm somewhere between laughing and crying and I haven't had this much energy in weeks. And I suppose it's a really good thing. But thoughts just keep spinning. Must just enjoy, must just enjoy. (Now I am just going to let you be curious hehehe. I know I'm mean and evil)

I bought myself a happy toy (no it does not use batteries :) )
My roommate has a big sebastian (from the little mermaid) in her car cause she said it makes her smile and keeps her sane. So I bought my self a mini beanie Bubbles (the powerpuff girl) and she is going to go everywhere with me. So far it works. She makes me smile.

And even before above moments, I actually felt a little bit lighter today. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. However far away it is.
Today was such a beautiful day

On the way home I looked up at the sky and I saw a perfect v of birds flying overhead towards the sunset and it made me feel so happy to be alive.

Tonight I got watch, in my opinion, the most beautiful girl in the club dance. And she is so amazing when she dances. She is so amazing all the time. And she wanted me to stay. I danced on air all the way home.

The music was amazing. And now the frantic search to find their CD so I can relive the night and hear more of the music. The singer was so captivating.

And the boy...there is still a candle burning.

I rose above the ick tonight. I felt so free. I let myself go on the dance floor. I wish I could dance more. Dance it all away.

And friends, old and new, people who seemed happy to see me and wanted to talk to me.

I want to take this night and put it in a jar so I can hold it and take it out when the ick returns which I hope it doesn't but I'm afraid it might. But not soon. Too many fun things this week, and lots of cool people.

I'm going to sleep to have dreams of the beautiful girl and her dancing.




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