( Jun. 21st, 2001 12:18 pm)
Now before anyone tries to call me tonight, I am not going anywhere. Noone is coming to visit. I am spending the night with myself enjoying the solstice. No I mean it. I need to get some things done and I need to sleep. No, really I will not find some reason to stay up late. Must avoid taking a nap today.
Shoudl have gone to bed a while ago but I got to cleaning my room a little bit. Now one whole corner is done. I got new pillows!!! (my old ones were older than me). And a dry erase board (to keep all those to do things in order). A semi-productive day.

Nothing else too exciting, saw Moulin Rouge with Melissa, Brian, Kat, and Patrick on Friday. I really liked it. I went out on Saturday and bought the sound track (my attempt at getting out of the house). Almost, almost finished my applications. Two more to send out. I missed the deadline on two of them (whoops). I put my resume on a bunch of websites and found a few other places to apply. I guess I'm getting kind of worried that I might not get a job after all. I've just been so unmotivated. Not quite ready to be an adult yet. Not sure what I really want to do. Hafta remember why I wanted to teach. Need to get excited about it again. Just dreading going back to leading the boring, depressing existence I lead last semester during my student teaching.

Today I went to the Holyoke Mall with Larry. I haven't been to that mall in so long. I forgot how big it is. On the other hand, Larry made a good point, so many of the stores are rather useless. They're stores you might go into once a year or less. Those specialty type stores, like the jewelers or The Remington Store. Then there's the stores that I avoid going into like Abercrombie, The Gap, Aeropostale, and Express. But enought on the mall.

Next week
Monday: Go back to school and visit my kiddies. Make a million phone calls. Make eggplant whether I can get anyone else to eat it with me or not. Finish those applications
Tuesday: Clean my room. Haven (what to wear for pimps and whores night??)
Wednesday: Pack to go home. Clean my room.
Thursday: Go home. My first drive home by myself. Go to my sister's scholarship night.
Friday: Find someone to go out with so I don't go nuts being home
Saturday: Graduation party for me with my dad's side
Sunday: my sister's graduation and a party for the two of us with my mom's side.

I can't believe my sister is graduating from High School. I can't believe she's that old. She still seems so young sometimes. I was writing in her graduation card and wrapping her present tonight and I was getting all sentimental. I think I just might cry at my sister's graduation. Maybe its more emotional because I'm just finishing college and she's just starting. I wrote so much in her card. I guess at this point I have a lot to say about the college experience. I'm glad she's only going to be a half an hour away. Comforting for her and comforting for me (I'm just not quite sure how she is going to do). She has so little life experience in my opinion. I mean I know I was naive when I came to college, but she's more so than I was. But everyone keeps telling me that she is going to suprise everybody. We'll see.

Well I guess I really should go to bed now and test out my new pillows.
( May. 20th, 2001 07:59 pm)
Okay lets see what's happened since Tuesday... Wednesday I went to the Queer Graduation and I didn't know anyone there but the speaker was good and I got a rainbow tassle. Thursday I made cupcakes for my kiddies and I had dinner and coffee with Larry. It was a very good time. Friday was my last day of school!!! So I am done, finally. All I have left to do for school is turn in a paper (a big one, but just one). In one week I will officially be a college graduate. Still not quite registering in my mind.

Friday night my friend Jarrod came up and we had a very, very, lovely time. Saturday morning we went shopping for bathing suits for our vacation this summer. I discovered that I look very good in a bathing suit. Even some random lady in the dressing room agreed. It was nice to look in the mirror and like what I see.

Saturday night was the SPIRALS party at my apt. Not a huge turn out it was me, Dovid, Louise, Alan and Janra. We watched Mulan and ate junk food. It was fun but I kinda wished more people had shown up. Oh well.

Today I have done absolutely nothing. I was gonna work on my paper but I've just been so tired all day and I felt really nauseous too. I guess I just really needed to catch up on sleep. But all and all it has been the best run of days I've had in a really long time. Mentally, I think I'm working on a much better attitude about things. Less worry, more fun. Less analyzing, more fun. Thanks to those who listened this weekend.

I think my girl is going to break up with me. Something just doesn't feel right. I think what I want and what she wants right now are very different. I just hope she doesn't resent me or hate me or anything because I would still really like to spend time with her and talk with her and to be cliched ... I 'd still really like to be friends. We'll see. I have a good track record for at least keeping on civil terms with my exes if not more. Anyway I'm gonna go eat something now. Hope everyone else had a good weekend as well.
( Nov. 27th, 2000 07:21 pm)
Almost exactly one week later I finally decide to write a journal entry.
So here's the highlights of my Thanksgiving Break.
Predictable night of mail and tea and conversation with mom until some ungodly hour. We have much better conversations that first night I'm home than anytime else. Except the part where she always seems to ask me some akward question that I have to avoid (This time: "I heard you were depressed,you called your father why didn't you call me")

Food shopping (yes I picked the busiest day of the year to do all my shopping)
Visit dad's work and harass male employee (its not as bad as it sounds)
Pizza with the grandparents
Then I go home get in my pj's watch DC and I get a phone call around 9ish.

Friends "You wanna go out?"
Me "Where?"
Friends "Manray"
Me "Um, okay. What am I going to wear?!"
Friends "Find something, you have until 10- 10:30"
Me "Okay see you then"

Commence frantic search in my normal house for clothing to wear to Manray and being saved only by the fact that I brought my laundry home. Friends show up at some time after 11. We arrive some time around 12. Its nice. Not to crowded. I ran into someone I actually knew who actually recognized me and we talked. Saw others I recognized but don't really know. Unfortunately, one friend started having coughing fits (asthmatic in a club w/smoke dancing his ass off), the other one was just a general mess, and my arm just started throbbing like crazy. So we left around 1ish. My adventure for the break.

Morning on the couch nursing my arm. Afternoon trying to figure out how to cook my tofurkey. And the night w/ my best friends and his family. That was the best part of the day. My best friend and I got to spend some quality time together which has been pretty damn scarce as of late and was something we both needed. Its nice to know that there is at least one person who will be there for you no matter what.

8 hours of shopping. But I'm mostly done and my mommy got me good stuff :)

back to my apt. where I finally turned on the heat. The temp of the living room when I turned on the heat 50.1. The temp of my bedroom 49.7
So I no longer live in an icebox.

Going to campust to do homework and accidently finding the meeting you had kinda planned on going to anyway. And now I am air. Though I would have liked to be the maiden again but that's another story.

And here we are at Monday again. And I'm happy. Yup. Things are pretty good. Even all that homework I haven't been doing isn't bothering me. Doing my best to stay in the moment and not think about future things that could ruin it.

No deep thoughts or ponderances this time. I did my best to leave those all at home.

And to the very sweet boy, I 'm still looking forward to those cookies.
( Nov. 20th, 2000 06:46 pm)
I need sleep. There is only one person in the lab tonight. Usually this lab is mobbed when I work and it keeps me awake but tonight it is very very quite. So tempted to just put my head on my desk and take a little nap.

I was not me yesterday. I was this strange girl who wanted to hide under the table and avoid the human race. Gotta love mood swings. I think I should come with a warning label. Actually, I think a lot of people should come with a warning label.

Saturday was just too long. It was a good day. But it involved me getting up at 7 (which meant I was late getting up) running like crazy around the apt. trying to get ready so I didn't miss the bus. Going on a field trip that was cool but essentially a waste of my morning. Except for feeling like I had just woken up all day the rest of the day was cool. I got to hang out with a very cool girl. I got to go to Northampton and have a yummy dinner and see Catie Curtis (who rocks by the way and I must find her cd's) and Dar Williams. And then there was the bus home. Being the wuss I am I decided to wait in town and take the North Amherst bus all the way around (it was late and cold). While waiting I saw Kat and her boy and some guy I didn't know walking on the other side of the street. And when the bus went by frat row there were 6 police cars, an ambulance, and a crowd (another reason I never ever went to a frat party among many others). Then there was the drunk people on the bus, who I really just tried to zone out. Then I locked my roommate out cause I thought she was home but she wasn't.

Only one more day of classes and I'm outta here. I can't wait. I need a break from here (as much as I love it). And I get to see my best friend and his family. I don't think I have been this happy to go home since freshman year. I don't know if that is good or bad.
( Nov. 13th, 2000 10:12 pm)
I've done homework two nights in a row!! Guess I am beginning to get back on track. Feels kinda good actually getting things accomplished. Now...if I could get my social life in order. What a tangle (though I'm probably exagerating it in my head cause I do things like that). but I'm too tired to get in to details. Though I probably won't get to fall asleep. Where is that damn off button on my brain?
I got my Rhea's Obsession Cd. I thought that I'd have to bat my eyelashes at someone (does that really ever work) to get a ride to the UPS place in West Springfield but my neighbors picked it up for me. Yay!

Wondering about swedish fish and the fact that I have to same bag of swedish fish that my mom gave me when I moved in here two months ago and wondering if I should actually eat them. Not because they're bad because they don't go bad....

The day after halloween. Many interesting journal entries. Sounds like an interesting night was had by many. I had a good start to my new year. Got to know some people a little better although some maybe too much. Won prizes for knowing who starred in the Labrinyth. And left before the overwhelming number of people got to me.

And today was good too. Lots of yummy food at the preschool potluck. Early out of science methods and lots of interesting conversation and more getting to know people. Though I felt bad for the poor guy who got left out most of the night. Its hard to be part of just one alternative way of living in the valley but he just had no idea about most of what we were discussing even before it devolved into vague, public personal conversations. But I remember what it was like to be him. Not knowing what people were talking about more than half the time. Maybe we'll actually discuss poly issues at a meeting :)

But I'm on a role, two social nights in a row and I have plans for Fri and Sat. To a new year.
Today was such a beautiful day

On the way home I looked up at the sky and I saw a perfect v of birds flying overhead towards the sunset and it made me feel so happy to be alive.

Tonight I got watch, in my opinion, the most beautiful girl in the club dance. And she is so amazing when she dances. She is so amazing all the time. And she wanted me to stay. I danced on air all the way home.

The music was amazing. And now the frantic search to find their CD so I can relive the night and hear more of the music. The singer was so captivating.

And the boy...there is still a candle burning.

I rose above the ick tonight. I felt so free. I let myself go on the dance floor. I wish I could dance more. Dance it all away.

And friends, old and new, people who seemed happy to see me and wanted to talk to me.

I want to take this night and put it in a jar so I can hold it and take it out when the ick returns which I hope it doesn't but I'm afraid it might. But not soon. Too many fun things this week, and lots of cool people.

I'm going to sleep to have dreams of the beautiful girl and her dancing.




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