...but that is the worst thing that happened to me lately. I'm happy. Yup I feel good. I did think that I would feel this way with my summer coming to a close in 5 days but I do. I had a good weekend. I got to see my family, and one of my friends and I got to go to Salem. I went and saw Rat Race on Monday and it was soooo funny. I had the giggles for the rest of the night. I had the best time at Haven last night. Even before I started drinking I was just in such a good mood. I was so happy to see people and talk to them and wander around and dance and just be there. It was a strange experience being drunkish at the club, but not terrible. Just different. At least it didn't cost me a lot, as it has been said I'm a cheap drunk *giggle* (it doesn't cost a lot to get me drunk, "I am not responsible for any other meaning that might be implied by that" *giggle* I guess I still have the giggles.

I'm nervous and excited about my new job. I start on my birthday, but that doesn't really bother me. I 'm just worried I can't hack it as a teacher. But at the same time I think it will be good for me to be involved in something worth doing again (this summer job has not really been very exciting, it's been easy but boring). Guess I'll just take it one step at a time.

Speaking of that may be why I'm so happy. I think I've been doing more living in the moment and less always worrying about the next one. I think I need to try and keep this up.

So I need to buy a toothbrush.
Shoudl have gone to bed a while ago but I got to cleaning my room a little bit. Now one whole corner is done. I got new pillows!!! (my old ones were older than me). And a dry erase board (to keep all those to do things in order). A semi-productive day.

Nothing else too exciting, saw Moulin Rouge with Melissa, Brian, Kat, and Patrick on Friday. I really liked it. I went out on Saturday and bought the sound track (my attempt at getting out of the house). Almost, almost finished my applications. Two more to send out. I missed the deadline on two of them (whoops). I put my resume on a bunch of websites and found a few other places to apply. I guess I'm getting kind of worried that I might not get a job after all. I've just been so unmotivated. Not quite ready to be an adult yet. Not sure what I really want to do. Hafta remember why I wanted to teach. Need to get excited about it again. Just dreading going back to leading the boring, depressing existence I lead last semester during my student teaching.

Today I went to the Holyoke Mall with Larry. I haven't been to that mall in so long. I forgot how big it is. On the other hand, Larry made a good point, so many of the stores are rather useless. They're stores you might go into once a year or less. Those specialty type stores, like the jewelers or The Remington Store. Then there's the stores that I avoid going into like Abercrombie, The Gap, Aeropostale, and Express. But enought on the mall.

Next week
Monday: Go back to school and visit my kiddies. Make a million phone calls. Make eggplant whether I can get anyone else to eat it with me or not. Finish those applications
Tuesday: Clean my room. Haven (what to wear for pimps and whores night??)
Wednesday: Pack to go home. Clean my room.
Thursday: Go home. My first drive home by myself. Go to my sister's scholarship night.
Friday: Find someone to go out with so I don't go nuts being home
Saturday: Graduation party for me with my dad's side
Sunday: my sister's graduation and a party for the two of us with my mom's side.

I can't believe my sister is graduating from High School. I can't believe she's that old. She still seems so young sometimes. I was writing in her graduation card and wrapping her present tonight and I was getting all sentimental. I think I just might cry at my sister's graduation. Maybe its more emotional because I'm just finishing college and she's just starting. I wrote so much in her card. I guess at this point I have a lot to say about the college experience. I'm glad she's only going to be a half an hour away. Comforting for her and comforting for me (I'm just not quite sure how she is going to do). She has so little life experience in my opinion. I mean I know I was naive when I came to college, but she's more so than I was. But everyone keeps telling me that she is going to suprise everybody. We'll see.

Well I guess I really should go to bed now and test out my new pillows.
( May. 27th, 2001 09:55 pm)
Well its finally over. Or it is just beginning depending on how you look at it. I am officially I college graduate. And did I earn it this weekend.

Friday was the Commencement Ball. It was a lot of fun. They did a really good job dressing up the Student Union. I had a really good time.

Saturday was Melissa and I's graduation party. Of course, this being the worst weekend for me to have a party, only two people showed up and one of them was already here. But it was a friend from home and we had a good time and got to catch up. Unfortunately, later that night WWIII broke out with my roommate's family. I won't give the details but I was glad that I was in my room napping when it happened.

Today was graduation. More fighting from my roommate's family but otherwise the morning graduation went smoothly. Kelsey Grammar's speech was short but sweet. The guy from Monster.com (Jeff Taylor) kicked ass. His speech was very interactive. He had us shouting we rock and halleluja. The Education Graduation Ceremony was my time to have a family crisis. When it started my mother hadn't show up yet. So I was very worried, because my mother is never late. I was praying that nothing had happened. Finally my mothe and my sister walked in about 10 minutes into the ceremony. But they were missing my grandmother and my mom's boyfriend. The ceremony was nice. I found out afterwards that my grandmother and my mom's boyfriend were stuck in the car because they had blocked off most of the roads into campus and my mom couldn't find anywhere to park that was close enough for my grandmother to walk. As it was my mother and my sister walked to the STudent Union from Rafters. So my mom starts balling on the walk to my car and freaking out. I didn't know what to do. I just tried to make her feel better and tried not to let it effect me. I mean it wasn' t my fault and we couldn't do anything about it now. My grandmother didnt' seem upset. At least my parents and my sister made it. And everyone was okay.

So now its all over and I am exhausted. But after all the excitement it seems like no fun to stay home all night. But so far no one is really around. This next week is going to be me filling out all the applications I already wanted to have done a long time ago. So I can stop worrying about them. Then I'm on vacation for the next two weeks and I plan on getting in lots of trouble. Any takers for partners in crime?
( Nov. 27th, 2000 07:21 pm)
Almost exactly one week later I finally decide to write a journal entry.
So here's the highlights of my Thanksgiving Break.
Predictable night of mail and tea and conversation with mom until some ungodly hour. We have much better conversations that first night I'm home than anytime else. Except the part where she always seems to ask me some akward question that I have to avoid (This time: "I heard you were depressed,you called your father why didn't you call me")

Food shopping (yes I picked the busiest day of the year to do all my shopping)
Visit dad's work and harass male employee (its not as bad as it sounds)
Pizza with the grandparents
Then I go home get in my pj's watch DC and I get a phone call around 9ish.

Friends "You wanna go out?"
Me "Where?"
Friends "Manray"
Me "Um, okay. What am I going to wear?!"
Friends "Find something, you have until 10- 10:30"
Me "Okay see you then"

Commence frantic search in my normal house for clothing to wear to Manray and being saved only by the fact that I brought my laundry home. Friends show up at some time after 11. We arrive some time around 12. Its nice. Not to crowded. I ran into someone I actually knew who actually recognized me and we talked. Saw others I recognized but don't really know. Unfortunately, one friend started having coughing fits (asthmatic in a club w/smoke dancing his ass off), the other one was just a general mess, and my arm just started throbbing like crazy. So we left around 1ish. My adventure for the break.

Morning on the couch nursing my arm. Afternoon trying to figure out how to cook my tofurkey. And the night w/ my best friends and his family. That was the best part of the day. My best friend and I got to spend some quality time together which has been pretty damn scarce as of late and was something we both needed. Its nice to know that there is at least one person who will be there for you no matter what.

8 hours of shopping. But I'm mostly done and my mommy got me good stuff :)

back to my apt. where I finally turned on the heat. The temp of the living room when I turned on the heat 50.1. The temp of my bedroom 49.7
So I no longer live in an icebox.

Going to campust to do homework and accidently finding the meeting you had kinda planned on going to anyway. And now I am air. Though I would have liked to be the maiden again but that's another story.

And here we are at Monday again. And I'm happy. Yup. Things are pretty good. Even all that homework I haven't been doing isn't bothering me. Doing my best to stay in the moment and not think about future things that could ruin it.

No deep thoughts or ponderances this time. I did my best to leave those all at home.

And to the very sweet boy, I 'm still looking forward to those cookies.
( Nov. 20th, 2000 06:46 pm)
I need sleep. There is only one person in the lab tonight. Usually this lab is mobbed when I work and it keeps me awake but tonight it is very very quite. So tempted to just put my head on my desk and take a little nap.

I was not me yesterday. I was this strange girl who wanted to hide under the table and avoid the human race. Gotta love mood swings. I think I should come with a warning label. Actually, I think a lot of people should come with a warning label.

Saturday was just too long. It was a good day. But it involved me getting up at 7 (which meant I was late getting up) running like crazy around the apt. trying to get ready so I didn't miss the bus. Going on a field trip that was cool but essentially a waste of my morning. Except for feeling like I had just woken up all day the rest of the day was cool. I got to hang out with a very cool girl. I got to go to Northampton and have a yummy dinner and see Catie Curtis (who rocks by the way and I must find her cd's) and Dar Williams. And then there was the bus home. Being the wuss I am I decided to wait in town and take the North Amherst bus all the way around (it was late and cold). While waiting I saw Kat and her boy and some guy I didn't know walking on the other side of the street. And when the bus went by frat row there were 6 police cars, an ambulance, and a crowd (another reason I never ever went to a frat party among many others). Then there was the drunk people on the bus, who I really just tried to zone out. Then I locked my roommate out cause I thought she was home but she wasn't.

Only one more day of classes and I'm outta here. I can't wait. I need a break from here (as much as I love it). And I get to see my best friend and his family. I don't think I have been this happy to go home since freshman year. I don't know if that is good or bad.
( Nov. 16th, 2000 05:20 pm)
So many things to think about. Thanksgiving and going home, master teaching, what to do with winter break, and next semester, and the many assignments I seem to be behind on. Then there all that social stuff.

I think I will survive T-day at home. I think it might even be good for me. It all else fails at least I get to go shopping :)

Next semester looks like it just might fall in place. Though I'm still afraid that I'm not up to the challenge, that I will never have enough energy to do things the way I want to. Must have faith that it will get better or that I will at least survive.

Also have to start thinking about getting that teacher job. Where and how and who and many unanswered questions.

The assignments will get done and if they don't, well its senior year I can take an incomplete.

So many possibilties for fun tonight, the poly meeting, bowling with Pride Alliance, or going to the pub w/my collegues. But I think I might just go home and go to sleep. Two nights with out it are taking their toll.

Going to see how much I can accomplish between now and then.
( Oct. 22nd, 2000 01:11 pm)
So I was going to write about my frustration with a certain someone over the fact that I had not heard from him in way too long. But I talked to him today and of course my wild imagination had told me that he didn't care anymore, but the truth of course was far from that. So he still cares and I knew that. If I wasn't so lonely to begin with this whole separation bit would be a little easier to handle, but with a lack of social interaction in my life, my mind just keeps coming back to him. I really miss him and I really hope that we do get a second chance.

But I had a good weekend. I got to go grocery shopping and I now have food!!! Plus my dad gave me some money. He called it a Halloween present. Not too bad.

I'm really looking forward to this week. I have a lot of fun stuff going on. And a little bit of new found energy towards preschool and teaching. I may have hit bottom again on Friday, but I'm kicking really hard to find the top again. I've just got to face the fact that it is going to take some time to get my life in order. What I really need to do is do my best to enjoy the process as well. Maybe now that I have this online journal I will write more. I almost never write in my paper one, but I like writing here. Maybe because I know someone might actually read it whereas, my other journal is just for me.

So that's that.




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