( May. 13th, 2001 04:35 pm)
So tell me the, how do you tell? I try not to jump to conclusions, never did me any good. Just enjoy the moments but I don't like to miss opportuniities either. But I may be neither here nor there. Hard to tell when you have very liffle self esteem.

I just want this week to be over. For school to be done, As much as I'm scared, sad, about graduating, I'm looking forward to having time to deal with these sorts of things. To spend time with people. To feel like I exist somewhere in the world again instead of feeling like I've involuntarily been hiding in a socially isolated closet. I just want to go out and do all sorts of crazy things. Have no obligations to plan lessons and think about behavior strategies and emotional issues. I want to figure out my own emotional issues. I wonder if I really should be a teacher. If I really belong there, if I can really be happy there. But where else would I go? I've been working to do this for so long, I'm not quite sure what else I would like to do. I feel like I need another four years of college to get my life together, to be sure enough of myself to go out into the world confidently. Knowing I did the right thing. Not regreting. But oh well. So it goes.

Anyway, I think I"m going to try to find someone to get into trouble with.
So my ex-boyfriend walks into the lab today. The scary one who wouldn't leave me alone for the longest time. He was here with some other people to work on a project. And then I was thinking and I realized how much he has changed since I have known him. Physically he is so much thinner but healthy looking. But when I knew him he couldn't understand how anyone couldn't work with in the system and be happy. We used to have discussion about opression and he'd always just tell me that if you hollow out your little corner of the world that everything could be just fine. (I don't know if any of this is making sense) I tried to explain to him that the system worked for him whether he knew it or not because he was a white male. Basically he didn't have a whole lot of concern for anyone but himself and his schoolwork (chemical engineering major).

Well, he has dropped out of school to figure out what he wants to do. He helped out with the Nader campaign and is apparently still doing activist type work. He is also tutoring kids in math and science. He also joined a support group to help him with some of his family issues. Oh, and he finally stopped bothering me. From my point of view it seems as if he has done a 180. And I think that is a rare thing. I have never seen anyone change that much. And I really have to give him credit and I think he needs to know that too.




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