( Jun. 1st, 2001 05:07 pm)
Well I still haven't finished those applications but I am close.

Looking forward to work starting. I'm not enjoying spending all this time alone in my apartment. Its so hard to get motivated to do anything when I have nothing to look forward too.

Speaking of getting out of my house. I want to go see Moulin Rouge tonight. I was thinking of calling people and seeing if I could get a group together to go. So if your interested call me if I haven't called you yet.

Back to attempts at productivity.
( Oct. 30th, 2000 08:59 pm)
I let the water run so hot that it leaves little red marks all over my body. And I know that's not a good thing, but its so warm in there and it so cold outside because we still haven't turned on the heat. And I get lost in my thoughts as a have conversations with the people in my head. Defending my self to the people in my life. The conversations went away for awhile but now they're back and some days with a vengence. And my imagination comes up with the craziest situations for me to defend.

And earlier, this weekend, I was thinking about cuddling. People need to do more of it. I realized I'm in terrible need of cuddling. Of human contact really. Do you know that if you don't give a baby physical affection it will die. It will refuse to eat. I'm not that picky really, a good friend would do (not that I seem to have many of those around these days). If I had to pick there are two particular people that I would chose. But one seems so busy that I'll never see him again, and the other one, I'm not sure how she feels. And its weird not knowing where you are with people, in their lives, but its not something you can ask either. "excuse me, I think you are wonderful and I would like to spend more time with you, how do you feel about me?" I mean yeah, I've had that approach tried on me but somehow I just don't think the direct approach works for me. I like being subtle, sometimes too subtle. I just don't want to send anyone running away.

and so I write down my stream of conciousness, finally being concious for the first time in days. Always wondering, thinking, looking, searching, trying. I always wished there was and off switch or at least a dimmer.
( Oct. 26th, 2000 11:36 pm)
So yesterday I could have slept all day and today I almost did. Went to class and decided that after that I had to go home. So I went home and slept for a good portion of the afternoon. And I am still tired enough to go to sleep soon. Makes me wonder.

Went to ritual tonight..and the fire alarm went off three times. But it didn't bother me. The ritual was great. Something had to be said for doing it big. Especially for someone like myself who really needs to endulge their younger self more often then not to get the wheels going.

I'm setting up my altar this weekend. I promised my self that I would get it done before Samhain and I think I'm ready and I think my room is ready and i can't wait. (Once again thoroughly endulging my younger self)

Still balancing. Still precariously. It's the knowing and the waiting and the unsureness. The loneliness. I wish I wasn't in this by myself, I really want someone to hold my hand right now. But that's a big job and I wouldn't want to give that burden to anyone. So for now I try to do it by myself relying on "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" and hoping a am very strong at the other end (if there is and end, is there every really and end or just a decrease?) Right now it just feels like its making me weaker, taking away what I thought I had gained over these years.

But my life really isn't that bad. I could have it so much worse and sometimes I chide myself for complaining about so many things when there are those who are bravely facing adversity. And I know that once I get my shit together, I want to help those others.

And now sleep.
( Oct. 22nd, 2000 01:11 pm)
So I was going to write about my frustration with a certain someone over the fact that I had not heard from him in way too long. But I talked to him today and of course my wild imagination had told me that he didn't care anymore, but the truth of course was far from that. So he still cares and I knew that. If I wasn't so lonely to begin with this whole separation bit would be a little easier to handle, but with a lack of social interaction in my life, my mind just keeps coming back to him. I really miss him and I really hope that we do get a second chance.

But I had a good weekend. I got to go grocery shopping and I now have food!!! Plus my dad gave me some money. He called it a Halloween present. Not too bad.

I'm really looking forward to this week. I have a lot of fun stuff going on. And a little bit of new found energy towards preschool and teaching. I may have hit bottom again on Friday, but I'm kicking really hard to find the top again. I've just got to face the fact that it is going to take some time to get my life in order. What I really need to do is do my best to enjoy the process as well. Maybe now that I have this online journal I will write more. I almost never write in my paper one, but I like writing here. Maybe because I know someone might actually read it whereas, my other journal is just for me.

So that's that.




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