It just not fair you know. What? A lot of things. Yeah I know life's not fair but so what.

Finally things are starting to come together. Finally I'm getting it. The little things, the big things. My shit is becoming coherent. And I feel like its all gonna run away. Or like I wasted all the years before this. I feel like I hae such a short time before my life runs away with me. People and places and events that I am so ready or at least closer to ready to deal with, enjoy, learn from...etc. I'm finally happy. For the first time in my life I feel happy most of the time. I have energy. I even feel a bit more confident. A bit more ready to take on my issues. And so little time. So little time to enjoy it. Boom next semester hits and its all about teaching and me and my life have to take a back seat and its not fair and I know that I choose this. But I have so much to give now and why can't now be two years ago.

And I'm crying now, crashing from all of today's energy. All of it is so much. I'm way overtired and I should just go to bed and the radio is playing this creepy mix of news bites from election night.

And there is still that thing that I miss like crazy. And sometimes it just kills me.

ANd none of this is making any sense. aaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!! Just shut up and be happy silly girl. Make the best of it stop complaining. To bed To bed To bed.
( Nov. 6th, 2000 10:36 pm)
grrrrrrrrrrr!!! rrrr!
frustration and anger reign as queen and king right now
people who don't take my phone call
can't stand it
can't get away from it
tomorrow's not soon enough
messy apartment
dirty dishes
crazy roommate (look who's talking)
ignored homework
realizing it is all still there
all of it
too tired to escape
too much to sleep

"And I'm so terrified of no on else but me
I'm here all the time
and I won't go away
It's me
yeah well I can't get myself to go away"
-Matchbox 20 "Long Day"
( Oct. 22nd, 2000 01:11 pm)
So I was going to write about my frustration with a certain someone over the fact that I had not heard from him in way too long. But I talked to him today and of course my wild imagination had told me that he didn't care anymore, but the truth of course was far from that. So he still cares and I knew that. If I wasn't so lonely to begin with this whole separation bit would be a little easier to handle, but with a lack of social interaction in my life, my mind just keeps coming back to him. I really miss him and I really hope that we do get a second chance.

But I had a good weekend. I got to go grocery shopping and I now have food!!! Plus my dad gave me some money. He called it a Halloween present. Not too bad.

I'm really looking forward to this week. I have a lot of fun stuff going on. And a little bit of new found energy towards preschool and teaching. I may have hit bottom again on Friday, but I'm kicking really hard to find the top again. I've just got to face the fact that it is going to take some time to get my life in order. What I really need to do is do my best to enjoy the process as well. Maybe now that I have this online journal I will write more. I almost never write in my paper one, but I like writing here. Maybe because I know someone might actually read it whereas, my other journal is just for me.

So that's that.




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