( May. 13th, 2001 04:35 pm)
So tell me the, how do you tell? I try not to jump to conclusions, never did me any good. Just enjoy the moments but I don't like to miss opportuniities either. But I may be neither here nor there. Hard to tell when you have very liffle self esteem.

I just want this week to be over. For school to be done, As much as I'm scared, sad, about graduating, I'm looking forward to having time to deal with these sorts of things. To spend time with people. To feel like I exist somewhere in the world again instead of feeling like I've involuntarily been hiding in a socially isolated closet. I just want to go out and do all sorts of crazy things. Have no obligations to plan lessons and think about behavior strategies and emotional issues. I want to figure out my own emotional issues. I wonder if I really should be a teacher. If I really belong there, if I can really be happy there. But where else would I go? I've been working to do this for so long, I'm not quite sure what else I would like to do. I feel like I need another four years of college to get my life together, to be sure enough of myself to go out into the world confidently. Knowing I did the right thing. Not regreting. But oh well. So it goes.

Anyway, I think I"m going to try to find someone to get into trouble with.
( Nov. 16th, 2000 01:41 am)
The pessimist in me says that I am walking a fine line and on shaky ground

The optimist says, hey this could be something really amazing

The pessimist says that I will fuck it all up and probably end up in the pit I was in not so long ago

The optimist thinks that maybe I have finally learned how to make it work

Wavering back and forth, hopeful and scared and doubtful and questioning. And I kind of wish there was someone I could ask for advice on this, but a voice says that they will tell me I'm nuts.

But for now I am happy and all is good. Though I wonder where he will fit in, though that's probably a long way down the road.

Looking forward to cookies and conversation and the many possiblities that lie ahead.
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