( May. 13th, 2001 10:52 pm)
So my roommate got this kick ass new computer that we spent all day playing with. There went another day when I could have been filling out applications or cleaning my room or writing up my master teaching. I'm really good at this procrastination stuff.

I still can't believe I'm graduating college in two weeks. Goddess the years went by way too fast.

Feeling so strangly today, mixed up and depressed and like crying but not quite, majorly jumbled would be the best way to put it. Too much going on and not enough all at the same time.

Well I really should get to bed. Time to teach again tomorrow.
( Oct. 26th, 2000 11:36 pm)
So yesterday I could have slept all day and today I almost did. Went to class and decided that after that I had to go home. So I went home and slept for a good portion of the afternoon. And I am still tired enough to go to sleep soon. Makes me wonder.

Went to ritual tonight..and the fire alarm went off three times. But it didn't bother me. The ritual was great. Something had to be said for doing it big. Especially for someone like myself who really needs to endulge their younger self more often then not to get the wheels going.

I'm setting up my altar this weekend. I promised my self that I would get it done before Samhain and I think I'm ready and I think my room is ready and i can't wait. (Once again thoroughly endulging my younger self)

Still balancing. Still precariously. It's the knowing and the waiting and the unsureness. The loneliness. I wish I wasn't in this by myself, I really want someone to hold my hand right now. But that's a big job and I wouldn't want to give that burden to anyone. So for now I try to do it by myself relying on "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" and hoping a am very strong at the other end (if there is and end, is there every really and end or just a decrease?) Right now it just feels like its making me weaker, taking away what I thought I had gained over these years.

But my life really isn't that bad. I could have it so much worse and sometimes I chide myself for complaining about so many things when there are those who are bravely facing adversity. And I know that once I get my shit together, I want to help those others.

And now sleep.




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