( Jun. 6th, 2001 09:48 pm)
There is something about this time of year that turns my world upside down. I don't know if it's the weather or if it's that school is over or if it's all in my head. But somewhere in the past couple weeks things have changed. I don't like it. Somewhere in the span of the past two days I think that I lost my mind or something. I don't feel right. Everything feels out of place. Maybe it's hormonal. I just want something familiar to hold onto and I can't find anything. I'm going home this weekend but...well that may help in some strange way...but my sister's graduating and for some reason I'm very affected by that. Not only is my life changing but so is everyone else's.

I gotta clean and pack.
( May. 13th, 2001 10:52 pm)
So my roommate got this kick ass new computer that we spent all day playing with. There went another day when I could have been filling out applications or cleaning my room or writing up my master teaching. I'm really good at this procrastination stuff.

I still can't believe I'm graduating college in two weeks. Goddess the years went by way too fast.

Feeling so strangly today, mixed up and depressed and like crying but not quite, majorly jumbled would be the best way to put it. Too much going on and not enough all at the same time.

Well I really should get to bed. Time to teach again tomorrow.
( May. 13th, 2001 04:35 pm)
So tell me the, how do you tell? I try not to jump to conclusions, never did me any good. Just enjoy the moments but I don't like to miss opportuniities either. But I may be neither here nor there. Hard to tell when you have very liffle self esteem.

I just want this week to be over. For school to be done, As much as I'm scared, sad, about graduating, I'm looking forward to having time to deal with these sorts of things. To spend time with people. To feel like I exist somewhere in the world again instead of feeling like I've involuntarily been hiding in a socially isolated closet. I just want to go out and do all sorts of crazy things. Have no obligations to plan lessons and think about behavior strategies and emotional issues. I want to figure out my own emotional issues. I wonder if I really should be a teacher. If I really belong there, if I can really be happy there. But where else would I go? I've been working to do this for so long, I'm not quite sure what else I would like to do. I feel like I need another four years of college to get my life together, to be sure enough of myself to go out into the world confidently. Knowing I did the right thing. Not regreting. But oh well. So it goes.

Anyway, I think I"m going to try to find someone to get into trouble with.
( Apr. 20th, 2001 01:23 pm)
It's so nice outside and I have massive amounts of work to do. Vacations are never long enough. Spent all day yesterday in Noho applying to employment agencies in hopes of a summer job. It was rather exhausting. I also didn't have time to drink, eat,or pee until 5:30. But anyway.

My dreams weren't helpful. In fact, I can't even remember what they were. I'm still confused. My friend says I should talk to my gf and he is probably right. But its such a touchy issue and she's in a rough place right now and I feel like I'm being selfish. But something isn't right. And there are things I miss. Actually, I kind of miss boys. And I think I want to give the whole poly thing another go, but I don't think she's going to go for it, not now. We've put it on the back burner for so long that I think she thinks that I don't feel that way anymore. I hate having difficult serious conversations. Still very confused.
( Nov. 16th, 2000 01:41 am)
The pessimist in me says that I am walking a fine line and on shaky ground

The optimist says, hey this could be something really amazing

The pessimist says that I will fuck it all up and probably end up in the pit I was in not so long ago

The optimist thinks that maybe I have finally learned how to make it work

Wavering back and forth, hopeful and scared and doubtful and questioning. And I kind of wish there was someone I could ask for advice on this, but a voice says that they will tell me I'm nuts.

But for now I am happy and all is good. Though I wonder where he will fit in, though that's probably a long way down the road.

Looking forward to cookies and conversation and the many possiblities that lie ahead.
( Nov. 8th, 2000 08:23 pm)
Went to Haven. It was a strange night. Or maybe it was just me. Skipped class today. Now I have to try to study for my exam tomorrow. See if I can concentrate for more than three seconds.

Still not feeling much except confusion. Hope that changes.




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