( Apr. 18th, 2001 10:42 pm)
So I'm writing and this is worrying me. When I am happy I don't need to writie. And I'm writing. And maybe it is just being on vacation that makes me think or gives me time to think I really miss having a social life. I went to Haven last night and it was just so strange because there were so many people that I hadn't seen in a really long time. ANd I've been thinking a lot about my relationship and where I want it to go. I just feel rather confused right now. I just don't know what I want. Things from my past are coming back to me and making me think. I've had so many relationships and I still don't know how to make them work or what I really want.

What happens when you have two needy people in a relationship...someone doesn't get their needs met. And I'm being selfish. Partly out of force of habit. It's been so long since someone has needed me. I don't know how to deal with that, I don't know what to do. I know it sounds strange. I don't know what she needs. She won't let me in. And my life has been so hectic with graduating and student teaching that I haven't had a lot of time to just sit and figure it out.

aaaaaargh!!!!! I just like to make everything so god damn complicated and dramatic. I'm so masochistic. GRRRRRRR!!!! I just want a social life with friends and people to hang out with and have fun and relationships that I don't make complicated.

Maybe its just that I've been cooped up to long and life has been so socially boring that I am creating some drama to stop the boredom. I think I'm just going to go to bed, maybe I'll dream about it and figure it out.
It just not fair you know. What? A lot of things. Yeah I know life's not fair but so what.

Finally things are starting to come together. Finally I'm getting it. The little things, the big things. My shit is becoming coherent. And I feel like its all gonna run away. Or like I wasted all the years before this. I feel like I hae such a short time before my life runs away with me. People and places and events that I am so ready or at least closer to ready to deal with, enjoy, learn from...etc. I'm finally happy. For the first time in my life I feel happy most of the time. I have energy. I even feel a bit more confident. A bit more ready to take on my issues. And so little time. So little time to enjoy it. Boom next semester hits and its all about teaching and me and my life have to take a back seat and its not fair and I know that I choose this. But I have so much to give now and why can't now be two years ago.

And I'm crying now, crashing from all of today's energy. All of it is so much. I'm way overtired and I should just go to bed and the radio is playing this creepy mix of news bites from election night.

And there is still that thing that I miss like crazy. And sometimes it just kills me.

ANd none of this is making any sense. aaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!! Just shut up and be happy silly girl. Make the best of it stop complaining. To bed To bed To bed.
( Nov. 6th, 2000 10:36 pm)
grrrrrrrrrrr!!! rrrr!
frustration and anger reign as queen and king right now
people who don't take my phone call
can't stand it
can't get away from it
tomorrow's not soon enough
messy apartment
dirty dishes
crazy roommate (look who's talking)
ignored homework
realizing it is all still there
all of it
too tired to escape
too much to sleep

"And I'm so terrified of no on else but me
I'm here all the time
and I won't go away
It's me
yeah well I can't get myself to go away"
-Matchbox 20 "Long Day"
( Oct. 30th, 2000 08:59 pm)
I let the water run so hot that it leaves little red marks all over my body. And I know that's not a good thing, but its so warm in there and it so cold outside because we still haven't turned on the heat. And I get lost in my thoughts as a have conversations with the people in my head. Defending my self to the people in my life. The conversations went away for awhile but now they're back and some days with a vengence. And my imagination comes up with the craziest situations for me to defend.

And earlier, this weekend, I was thinking about cuddling. People need to do more of it. I realized I'm in terrible need of cuddling. Of human contact really. Do you know that if you don't give a baby physical affection it will die. It will refuse to eat. I'm not that picky really, a good friend would do (not that I seem to have many of those around these days). If I had to pick there are two particular people that I would chose. But one seems so busy that I'll never see him again, and the other one, I'm not sure how she feels. And its weird not knowing where you are with people, in their lives, but its not something you can ask either. "excuse me, I think you are wonderful and I would like to spend more time with you, how do you feel about me?" I mean yeah, I've had that approach tried on me but somehow I just don't think the direct approach works for me. I like being subtle, sometimes too subtle. I just don't want to send anyone running away.

and so I write down my stream of conciousness, finally being concious for the first time in days. Always wondering, thinking, looking, searching, trying. I always wished there was and off switch or at least a dimmer.
( Oct. 27th, 2000 10:51 pm)
So I still feel like sleeping all day. So I went to health services and spent 3 hours there. 2 in the waiting room and about 1 in the exam room waiting some more. Didn't really bother me though. Had nothing better to do with my afternoon. Mused about the first initials of the people I've dated and wished to date. For the longest time it was people with j names or boys named matt. Then I laughed because it seems like I'm subconsciously trying to fill in the letters between j and m. (I'll let you ponder on that one).

Thought a lot about escapism. How there are many ways to escape/avoid reality. TV, movies, books, music, art, the internet, sleeping ... although sometimes they remind you of reality. In anycase these have been the occupiers of my time as of late. Unfortunately, I know this only works for so long. Eventually the shows over, the book ends, the cd ends, the paintings done, your connection becomes dumb, and you have to wake up. I wonder if I am sick and really need all this sleep or if its my subconcious.

On a happier note, I am going the Ani concert. My friend had and extra ticket and called me up tonight to see if I wanted to go. Pretty cool.

Off to find some entertaining method of avoiding reality until I get to sleep.
( Oct. 25th, 2000 09:44 pm)
I could have slept all day, in fact I've slept at all points of the day today when I wasn't obligated to do something else. Now I'm awake so I must attend to all those things that have gotten left behind in the wake of my tumble in the ick.

In limbo right now kinda waiting to see if I go back up or fall back down. Precarious spot.

And I beleive the search for the Rhea's Obsession CD was successful.

To the mess that is my apartment.

To hopes of balancing for as long as possible.




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