( Oct. 30th, 2000 08:59 pm)
I let the water run so hot that it leaves little red marks all over my body. And I know that's not a good thing, but its so warm in there and it so cold outside because we still haven't turned on the heat. And I get lost in my thoughts as a have conversations with the people in my head. Defending my self to the people in my life. The conversations went away for awhile but now they're back and some days with a vengence. And my imagination comes up with the craziest situations for me to defend.

And earlier, this weekend, I was thinking about cuddling. People need to do more of it. I realized I'm in terrible need of cuddling. Of human contact really. Do you know that if you don't give a baby physical affection it will die. It will refuse to eat. I'm not that picky really, a good friend would do (not that I seem to have many of those around these days). If I had to pick there are two particular people that I would chose. But one seems so busy that I'll never see him again, and the other one, I'm not sure how she feels. And its weird not knowing where you are with people, in their lives, but its not something you can ask either. "excuse me, I think you are wonderful and I would like to spend more time with you, how do you feel about me?" I mean yeah, I've had that approach tried on me but somehow I just don't think the direct approach works for me. I like being subtle, sometimes too subtle. I just don't want to send anyone running away.

and so I write down my stream of conciousness, finally being concious for the first time in days. Always wondering, thinking, looking, searching, trying. I always wished there was and off switch or at least a dimmer.




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